


An Unexpected Journey

by casstayinmyass



Category: Beauty and the Beast (2017), Beauty and the Beast - All Media Types, The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Anal Sex, Asshole Thranduil, Bottom Thranduil, Bottoming from the Top, Canon Compliant, Canon Gay Character, Crossover Pairings, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Dubious Consent Due To Identity Issues, Explicit Sexual Content, Foreplay, Gaston (Disney) Being an Asshole, Gay LeFou (Disney), Hunters & Hunting, Insecure LeFou (Disney), Jealous Bard, Jealous Gaston, King Bard, M/M, Magic, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mistaken Identity, Oblivious Gaston (Disney), Openly Bisexual Gaston (Disney), Pining LeFou, Protective Bard, Requited Unrequited Love, Riding, Rough Kissing, Top Gaston, king thranduil - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-25 02:45:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10755111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: Gaston and Lefou encounter a strange but beautiful elk on a hunting trip, one that leads them far beyond the woods of Villeneuve into a place they've never seen. There, an Elven king awaits his lover... and Gaston looks an awful lot like him.





	An Unexpected Journey

**Author's Note:**

> I've wanted to cross these over since the movie came out! Luke + Luke <3
> 
> *do be aware, I tagged dubcon, since there is mistaken identity in this* Hope you enjoy!

"This way, Lefou! Keep up!"

Gaston grinned, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he kicked his horse to speed up. Lefou trotted alongside him, wincing. Though it had been his for years, his horse absolutely hated him, and rarely cooperated when he was trying to keep up with Gaston.

"Yeah... coming," the shorter man called, and tried patting his horse to go a little faster; it reared up in response, dropping the satchel of carrots Lefou was carrying with them before breaking into a full gallop.

"See it?" Gaston grinned, pointing the spotted deer out to Lefou, who nodded.

"There it is."

"Lefou, hold my gun- I must get closer."

Lefou accepted Gaston's gun and bags, and watched as the hunter crept up on the animal, hiding in the bushes. Just as he was about to get up to it, a twig snapped, and Lefou's horse reared again, sending the man on top yelping and the gun he was holding going off.

Gaston grimaced, turning around with a menacing glare. Just then, something over his best friend's shoulder caught his eyes- a glowing aura.

"What is it?" Lefou breathed, clutching onto his hat, and Gaston silenced him with a finger to his own lips.

"Turn very slowly... no sudden moves."

Lefou turned apprehensively, and his eyes went wide when he saw the beautiful white elk standing there in the bushes. It was ethereal- Lefou had never seen anything like it, and it was captivating.

"It's gorgeous," Lefou whispered, smiling a little, and Gaston gave that same feral grin, eyes fixed and strangely hypnotized by the elk.

"Yes, Lefou... and those majestic antlers will look even better on my wall."

"Aha," Lefou nodded, deflating, and handed Gaston his gun back as the hunter mounted again. Just as Gaston gave a small pat to his horse to start them off, the elk looked over, and dashed off.

"Follow it!" Gaston yelled, jaw clenching, and the two pursued the creature through the woods, under branches, over ditches, through strange trees, until it leapt over a fallen trunk by a riverbank.

"Uhh... Gaston, I don't particularly recognize these woods," Lefou said, glancing around, "Perhaps we should-"

"Don't lose your nerve, Lefou," Gaston told him, rubbing his shoulder, "A great hunter never lets something so great slip through his fingers- he enjoys the spoils of such a pursuit afterward."

"Yes, well," Lefou grumbled under his breath, dismounting, "A great hunter can't enjoy the spoils of the pursuit if he's dead."

Following Gaston, the smaller man sighed, wishing he hadn't worn his best riding shoes today. It was obvious they would be traipsing through a lot of leaves in the light, misty trail ahead, lots of dirt before them as well.

"Gaston, we've never even seen this trail before," Lefou protested, setting his hands on his hips, "Now, you know I'd follow you anywhere, but it's deceptively sunny and very nice-looking to lure us in and probably _kill_ us."

"No, it's sunny and nice-looking because it is," Gaston smiled, "Hurry- it went this way." So, they carried on after the elk. They passed valleys, hills, streams, glens, gardens, and brooks. It was mid-afternoon by the time Lefou really started to hate this expedition.

"This is tiring," Lefou muttered after a few more minutes of walking, "Is one elk really worth it?"

"Did you not lay eyes on the creature?!" Gaston asked, sharp eyes never leaving the trail ahead, "It's one of a kind, I must have its hide."

"You don't need anything else to prove to the villagers you're amazing, Gaston," Lefou panted, "They already worship you."

"This isn't about the damn villagers," Gaston snapped, and turned fully to his friend, watching him hobble along the trail of rocks and roots. "Would you like me to carry you?"

_Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times over, yes, forever and ever._

"No, I'm fine," Lefou replied sourly, keeping his arms crossed for warmth. The path only grew brighter as they continued, which Gaston took as a signal they were getting closer to their prey.

"Hasn't it crossed your mind once that this forest may be haunted?" Lefou squeaked, clutching at Gaston's arm, and Gaston squeezed Lefou's shoulder again.

"Unlikely, my friend."

"Right," Lefou swallowed, trying to ignore the whispers that seemed to be traveling around him and the distant sound of a waterfall.

They walked on for another long twenty minutes, until they came to a clearing in the woods.

"I have a feeling we're not in France anymore," Lefou announced, and the two finally caught a glimpse of the elk again.

"There..." Gaston murmured, and aimed his pistol before firing. Splintering a tree beside the elk, it kept running, and Gaston cursed under his breath. When he tried to fire again, he realized he was out of bullets, and reached for his bow instead, but before he could fire again, he saw it one last time before it vanished into the leaves by a huge castle. The place was overridden by peculiarly shaped vines snaking up and around, and towered far above the trees.

"Hmm," Gaston mused in curiosity, as the doors opened slightly for them.

"No, there's no 'hmmm' in this, there's _'ahhh'_ or _'let's go home'_ ," Lefou shook his head adamantly, but the hunter simply ignored him, walking on. "Gaston..." Lefou started again, "Think about this. Wouldn't we have come across this... palace before, if it were in the forests of Villeneuve? Or _Europe_ , even?!"

Gaston considered this, scratching his stubble.

"-And with all due respect, you don't exactly make the best heat of the moment decisions," Lefou added, recalling specifically the time Gaston had nearly gotten them killed in his relentless pursuit of a prize gazelle; _well,_   _at least we caught the gazelle!_ was all the apologies Gaston had made for that one.

Gaston's eyes narrowed thoughtfully, but Lefou had already resigned himself to the fact that they wouldn't be turning around anytime soon.

"Come, Lefou," Gaston replied, taking Lefou's arm, and they entered the huge castle. Inside was even more majestic, even larger, even more grand. The entrance led down to a staircase that brought them to what looked like an endless throne room built out of the nature around them. Walking across the narrow path, the two got closer to the throne, where it seemed a figure was lounging.

"Who has entered, unannounced?!" the man (undeniably the king of whatever land they had stumbled upon), "Could it be the poachers who meant to hunt down and harm my beast?" His voice was deep, and smooth. "I could have you slaughtered like goats for this crime... or I could see how rusty the locks are in my dungeons, and watch you spend the rest of your meager lives trying to escape."

"Ah, this must be our unwitting host," Lefou deadpanned to Gaston quietly, "What a charmer."

Gaston gave Lefou a sideways glance, then advanced up to the golden throne, where a man with very long, silvery blonde hair sat with his back to them. He had what looked like a long silver and black gown on, and his feet were resting up on the opposite side of the throne. Both men noticed the figure sitting there had sharp ears protruding from his hair.

Okay, so... not a man, and certainly nothing they had ever seen before.

Their reluctance to respond prompted the royal to shift his head, turning finally to see his guests. Expecting a hostile reaction, Gaston and Lefou presented themselves cautiously, but immediately the blonde's eyes widened.

"Bard?! Your return was set for the morrow! My goodness, what a hasty trip- what in all the realms are you wearing?"

Lefou frowned, and Gaston was caught off guard by the sudden change in the king's previously icy disposition.

"Pardon?" he asked, "I... I can't say I know who you speak of..."

"Unwise, playing games with me," the king drawled, descending from his throne to approach Gaston. He began to circle him like a predator with prey, trailing a finger down his back. "We both know that I... Thranduil, Elven King of Mirkwood..." he said his name and title as if he were proclaiming the greatest ruler ever to exist, "Always win those." He gave a noncommittal wave. "All the same... it must have been an orc who fired at my elk."

"Okay, totally not in France," Lefou squeaked, and Thranduil's icy blue eyes darted over to Lefou, as if truly noticing him for the first time. The elf's movements were snakelike, almost swooping around Lefou. He studied him, and scowled a little.

"Why is there a dwarf in my throne room?"

"What?!" Lefou snapped, "A d- a dwarf?! Gaston, can we please le-"

"Bard, I've grown bored of this jest," Thranduil sighed, and began to stalk back over to Gaston. "I appreciate the gesture- bringing me back a little something for my lonely dungeons." The hunger returned to his eyes as he gave a cruel smile. "That will give you something to sing about, won't it, dwarvenkind?"

"Gaston, _come on_!"

Gaston kicked Lefou's ankle, silencing him, to which Lefou replied with an incredulous scoff.

"Hmm... I must say, beloved, as strange as I find these ruffled rags, they do hug your backside very properly... indeed, much nicer than the common sacks you regularly call attire."

Gaston's mouth began to turn up into a smirk, and Lefou rolled his eyes. He knew where this went- a guy could look at Gaston sideways at the tavern, and then it would be Lefou every time who had to cover for the muffled moans and shouts heard upstairs or from the alley. Anyway, whoever this "Bard" was, he was obviously Thranduil's lover or something... and he looked similar enough to Gaston for the king to get them confused.

"Why so speechless?" Thranduil went on, trailing a hand through Gaston's hair and taking out his ponytail. Lefou swallowed, seeing his friend's hair flow freely, but knew that this wasn't the time to become enraptured. "You always were the strong, silent type... Mmm, I've missed you, my love."

By now, Gaston could feel his blood flowing to south at these advances. The male elf before him was exotic and charming, and Gaston found that he desired him far more than any animal's hide.

Lefou held his breath. This could go either way with Gaston- his friend feared anything out of the norm, so he may either lash out or just grab Lefou and run back... on the other hand, Lefou knew Gaston often thought with his dick, and could be easily wooed by a honeyed voice and a nice body. Thranduil held out a hand expectantly, and Gaston licked his lips.

"Lead the way to bed, then," the hunter grinned, admiring Thranduil's long fingers and imagining how they would feel around him.

"Gaston!" Lefou cried, but Gaston just shrugged his way, giving him a helpless smile.

"Legolas," Thranduil beckoned, eyes ablaze with lust reserved only for his beloved, "Lead this dwarf to his cell."

"Hey!" Lefou shouted, "Wait a second... I'm _not_ a dwarf... I'm- hold on!" As soon as Legolas approached, Lefou looked the tall, blonde, and pale man up and down. "You've got a type here, huh Puck?" he muttered, and Legolas frowned, tilting his head at the Midsummer Night's Dream reference. Wordlessly, Legolas took him by the arm and led him down stairs to a staircase with cells lining the sides.

"Wait- I-I'm not a dwarf, I'm a human," Lefou tried to tell him again, "That's my..." he hesitated, then shook his head, " _Friend_ , Gaston. Not Brad, or Bard, or whatever the hell you're calling him."

Legolas stared at him for a few moments, gaze silently calculating just as Thranduil's had been. Then, cocking his head, he spoke. "You seem agreeable- a kind being. Unfortunately, I do not care who you are, or what you are. Please keep quiet, or my father may have a change of heart." Lefou was pushed into a cell, the creaky door slammed.

He pinched himself; he couldn't believe that he had just been hunting with Gaston, the afternoon as normal as it always was, then had deteriorated into getting imprisoned by an elf while Gaston gets laid. 

Really, it didn't sound all that crazy when Lefou repeated it enough in his head.

In the meantime, there had to be a way out of here, so he could get to Gaston sooner and punch him the fuck out for this.

* * *

Gaston was surprised by the force of Thranduil's lips against his as they fell back into large golden bedchambers. He was used to women who fell apart under his touch, or men who bent to his will with a single smouldering stare. But Thranduil seemed different- he was ready to take from _him_.

To assert dominance, Gaston tugged Thranduil's hair back, thrust his hips against the blonde's, and bit the elf's bottom lip... likely not the best thing to do to a king, but Gaston didn't care- the bedroom was his domain. Thranduil watched him with dark eyes, pink lips parted in surprise. A drop of blood trailed down, and he licked across it.

"You're rough tonight," he mused fondly, and Gaston wondered if Thranduil found this to be pleasing or not. His question was soon answered by a growl, and Thranduil knocking Gaston down to the bed. "It's arousing, to say the least."

"Good," Gaston whispered, "I want you good and ready for me."

"You sound different," Thranduil murmured, "Did this journey sophisticate your accent so?"

Gaston didn't have an answer for this, so he just captured the elf's lips again, tasting the iron of the bite- kissing seemed to be the right answer anyway, as Thranduil bowed into him with a moan. Sure to make certain who would be on top, Gaston sucked roughly on the elf's neck, flipping them over so he was above the elf. Thranduil gave another curious purr.

"I see you've finally realized I won't break under your touch..."

Gaston guessed Bard must have been a rather gentle lover... well, that wasn't the way he did things. Sinking his teeth into Thranduil's shoulder, he made quick work of the elf's robes and reached underneath them. Thranduil drew in a sharp breath, surprised at his beloved's eager behaviour when Bard usually took the time to savour his body. He didn't know whether to be aroused or offended that he was not being cherished... but he was about to be fucked harder than he had been in centuries, he could tell.

Gaston rolled his hips down, and searched Thranduil's eyes for consent. The elf gave a sure nod, and Gaston slipped between Thranduil's open legs- as he tried to bring his fingers to him though for preparation, the elf shook his head, batting Gaston's fingers away. Gaston raised an eyebrow in reply, but didn't argue- he simply buried himself in the tight, almost impossibly slick passage.

Hm. Elves must have a natural lubricant. He could live with that- he was impatient.

"Mmmph," the hunter grunted as Thranduil squeezed. He had never taken anyone like this- he was unaccustomed to the breathy moans, the soft sighs Thranduil was giving... normally, the girls he made love to would whine and beg and shriek his name, and the men would be reduced to a whimpering, pathetic mess in seconds. While this bolstered his ego every time, it bored him as well- they were all rabbits to him. Thranduil... Thranduil was the elk he was hunting for. He had never prior experienced a strong, self assured man beneath him in bed, someone who could take over at any moment- men like that were hard to come by in the dull, provincial town- this one excited Gaston.

" _Ohhh_ , Bard," Thranduil gasped, breath hitching. Gaston hesitated, jaw clenching slightly. He hated not hearing his own name- it was a blow to his pride, but it was necessary to keep up this charade. If Thranduil, king of the elves, wanted to believe Gaston, a simple hero from a small town, was whoever this Bard fellow was, who was he to argue?

The elf's wide eyes opened, imploring Gaston to tell him why he had stopped. The hunter quickly resumed his thrusts, slamming Thranduil into the great, golden headboard of the huge bed- Gaston had to wonder how many things around him were spellbound in a place such as this. 

"Please, mark me again," Thranduil whispered, his voice sending tingles down Gaston's spine. It sounded like a thousand voices at once, pining for him in both ears. Gaston kissed his neck, then sucked another bruise there. It immediately healed, which made the hunter frown, but Thranduil seemed to be loving it.

"Are you close?" Gaston rasped. He was fast approaching his climax, as his lover had hundreds of years, no doubt, to practice reciprocation.

"I could last for hours," Thranduil chuckled, bringing a finger down on Gaston's nose. Suddenly, Gaston panicked. He hadn't thought of that. What if Bard was an elf too? Or some other strange, terrifying being? He was a mortal, he couldn't fuck for days (contrary to what he tells his conquests at the tavern), and now, he was going to be found out and probably flayed alive for defiling the king of-

"What is your concern?" Thranduil continued to chuckle, as if delighted by Gaston's furrowed brow, "You know I wouldn't ever make you last that long. You've got mortal blood pumping through your veins, my sweet dragon slayer, and men have needs that _must_ be satisfied."

Gaston let out a breath. How did he get so lucky that he and Lefou had stumbled upon such a place? 

_Oh, blast... Lefou!_

* * *

 "Help," Lefou called weakly, knocking on the iron bars with a rhythm to keep him occupied, "Help?"

The thing was, he knew Gaston would come for him sooner or later, once he came to his god damn senses, but presently, Lefou really didn't like the look of the crumbling pile of bones at the back of his cell.

After trying once again to take apart the lock, Lefou gave up. He wasn't the smartest or most resourceful of men, and he didn't know how locks worked- this was a time when Belle or her loopy father could come in handy. He looked around once more, and let out one last shout for help, before collapsing back in the dark.

Then he heard footsteps, and perked up. It could be Thranduil, to punish or question him, or Gaston, to break him out- really, were they done that fast? Surely Gaston could hold out longer than that... or he had been able to in all his fantasies, as least.

On the other hand... it could be someone- or something- else, something he didn't want to meet in captivity.

 _"Is someone down there?!_ " he heard a baritone, husky voice call. Lefou frowned, leaning forward.

"Gaston?"

* * *

 Up in bed, Thranduil had Gaston's wrists pinned above his head. Despite the hunter's firm rule of dominance, the elf king had temporarily overtaken him in a way, riding atop him as if he were a beautiful stallion. His hair fell like a curtain around them, brushing over Gaston's neck and chest.

"Your hair," Gaston choked out, feeling himself throb, "It's..."

"Gorgeous? Brilliant? Astounding?" Thranduil tilted his head back, waiting for the praise. Gaston scowled, swatting the silvery strands away.

"Irritating."

Thranduil's head snapped forward, eyes fiery. "What has gotten into you?" Gaston gave a hard thrust in response, watching the elf's face contort. " _Ohhh_ , that's it, Bard, _there_..." Gaston switched his angle so he would continue to hit that spot, and Thranduil gasped again, biting his lip. Gaston had to say, the sex was amazing... though, he wasn't getting nearly enough praise for how good he was, as he usually did. That got him wondering how Lefou would-

_No._

_No. No. No._

"How am I doing?" Gaston decided to ask with a haughty smirk, needing a little boost of confidence that would restore his attention to the man in his arms. Normally, he'd hear it all night- _"You're amazing, Gaston!" "Oh, that's wonderful, Gaston!" "I need your huge cock, Gaston!"_ Thranduil had remained relatively mute in his praises.

"What?" the elf breathed, eyelids fluttering.

"How am I?" Gaston asked, smile faltering somewhat awkwardly, "How... are you liking it?"

Thranduil frowned, large brows furrowing. "It is adequate, as always."

" _Adeq_ -!" Gaston began to spew, but the elf just chuckled again.

"I'm playing. I know I do not do so often, but you're unusually short with me tonight. It's fun to watch you fall all over yourself trying to keep up."

 _Hm_. This Bard must be an adversely calm fellow, then. Again, not so much how Gaston did things.

"Are you reaching your release?" Gaston asked with a little growl, scratching up Thranduil's pale backside. The elf sighed with pleasure, arching a little. His body was a true sight.

"I am close, yes, my love. You always bring me to such sweet release in your arms."

Gaston suddenly felt a stab of something. For the first time that evening, he really felt the gravity of what he was doing- intruding in a stranger's bed. A very powerful stranger's bed, who could snap his neck if he found out. This was bad. This whole situation was terrible.

Gaston needed to find Lefou as soon as this was over, and get out.

* * *

 "Gaston?" the voice on the dungeon staircase asked, confusion laced in the utterance, "I'm sorry, I... don't know that word from the language in which you speak. I only speak human, dwarfish, and, well... I'm learning elvish," he gave a small chuckle, as if he were sharing an inside joke with himself. Lefou held his frown. This person sounded almost exactly like Gaston... and judging by the shadow on the wall, had the exact same body type, so-

_Ohhhh. Oh, shit._

"B-Bard?" Lefou squeaked. The man came closer, one hand on the hilt of a bow. It looked like he had just returned from a long journey, judging by the mud caked on his boots and the sack over his shoulder.

"That's my name. How do you know me, dwarf?"

"Why- _why_ does everyone keep calling me a dwarf?!" Lefou shouted in frustration, tugging at his hair, "I'm not that fucking short!"

Bard came closer to the cell door, and stared at him through the torchlight.

"Aye. You don't look like much of a dwarf, I'll give you that... and you're far too large to be a Hobbit. You're a man?"

"Last time I checked," Lefou sighed, banging his head against the bars. Bard smiled a little in good nature.

"What did you do to get on my lover's bad side? Steal a leaf? Chase his precious animal?"

"Well, excuse my French, Monsieur, your "lover" is a bit of a prick," Lefou scoffed, and Bard huffed a laugh.

"You're not wrong there. You seem like a nice fellow, though- so what did you do?"

"My... partner," Lefou started, constantly in search of a word that best fit their relationship, "Thought it would be a great idea to go after this great, white elk-"

"Ah," Bard nodded, "Say no more." He raised an eyebrow. "You're in here because of your partner, then?"

"Yeah, and he's currently-" Lefou stopped himself, shutting his mouth.

"He's currently what? I'll break him out too, and you two can be on your way."

"Umm..." Lefou ran a hand through his hair, silently cursing Gaston's judgement for the umpteenth time that horrible day.

* * *

 "Please, Bard, _please_!"

"Ah, _yes_ , fuck," Gaston gasped, the loud sound of skin slapping against skin filling the room. After two deep, slow thrusts, Gaston came hard inside of the elf, and Thranduil let out an airy moan, following him in his climax.

When they came down from the exquisite high, they shared a deep, soul-searching look. As Thranduil got closer, he began to get suspicious... something about those amber eyes wasn't right... where was that glimmer of light he always saw dancing in the other king's orbs?

* * *

 "He's _what_?!" Bard shouted at Lefou, echo booming up and down the empty staircase. His previously playful, friendly disposition had melted away after Lefou's revelation.

"I tried to stop him, but- _wait_! Wait, come back! Bard, Monsieur Bard, please, you have to let me out first!"

The bowman turned, fury in his face. Lefou should have told him after he was released, but no, it was fine- Bard was coming back to let him out, albeit reluctantly.

"I will throttle him with my bare hands," Bard growled, and Lefou followed. He hadn't really pegged Bard as the possessive type, but hey, first impressions were usually wrong- people still called Lefou clingy.

"Uhh, you haven't met Gaston," the shorter man warned Bard, "He could throttle _you_."

Bard whipped around, his snarling face inches away from Lefou's. "I slayed a dragon. I can slay a man who sleeps with my elf with my eyes closed, let me tell you."

Lefou massaged his temples, and continued behind Bard.

* * *

 "That was amazing, my darling... you truly were enthusiastic tonight, hm?" Thranduil chuckled flirtatiously.

Gaston cleared his throat, arms resting behind his head as the elf fawned over him. "Am I not usually?"

Thranduil gave a slight shrug, playing with the short curls of Gaston's chest hair. "You're usually quite tired when you come from Dale- matters in your kingdom require far more diplomacy than mine in these times, I imagine."

Gaston paused. "My... kingdom?"

"Have you forgotten your titles over the length of one day?" Thranduil raised an eyebrow. "Please tell me you didn't take the path through Mirkwood home-" His blue eyes widened. "Oh, you fell in the water, didn't you? Idiot, I knew something was wrong."

"Uh... that must have been it," Gaston nodded, turning back over in bed to stroke Thranduil's hair out of his eyes. "Now. About this kingdom of mine..."

* * *

 As Lefou glanced around at all the jewels and gems that adorned the walls of this woodland castle, something occurred to him.

"Jesus, he's probably going to try something," he groaned, and Bard's fists tightened even more.

"Try what?"

"Are you a king?" Lefou sighed, and Bard nodded, frowning.

"King of Dale."

"Wonderful. Good luck getting your elf back."

Bard's jaw clenched again, and they continued to approach.

* * *

 "So," Gaston mused, rising from bed and checking his physique out in the floor length crystal mirror, "Who's kingdom is bigger, yours or mine?" He flexed for his reflection, sending himself off a wink.

"Are we really comparing sizes now?" Thranduil smirked, and Gaston smirked back, the wheels turning in his head. _Maybe they didn't have to get out as quickly as he had thought._ He could see it now- start dressing like Bard, talk like him- however he talked- and when Thranduil finally marries him, there was one way to rule with Lefou at his side- not that... Lefou would be his... eh...

* * *

 "He's not going to _murder_ my love," Bard snapped, running now to get to Thranduil's chambers. 

"I know the way Gaston's mind works," Lefou growled, "He gets this way, obsessive, dangerously obsessive. If he finds out you're rich and powerful too, he'll kill you, marry Thranduil, then off him too to get everything. You should have seen the time he became enamoured with a village girl named Belle- her meddling father barely escaped with his life."

"Well, I don't know how you do things back in Villeneuve, but here, elves don't take too kindly to someone who slaughtered their predecessor!"

"Hey, you're preaching to the choir- he makes stupid decisions, and we really, really need to stop him."

* * *

 "So- have you given any thought to... marriage?" Gaston squinted at his reflection as he buttoned his pants back up, flexing with his other arm and making a kiss face at himself. Slicking his hair back, he turned to Thranduil, who rolled onto his back and stretched with a deep sigh.

"We've discussed this... we rule two different kingdoms- we can only visit one another. Besides, you've got your young ones."

"Young ones... mm, yes, them. My... beautiful children? I assume they're beautiful." He gestured to his own face with a winning grin.

Thranduil frowned at the shirtless Gaston, who was now bench pressing a stool made of pure diamond. "Bard, you're acting very strange-"

Gaston set the fragile stool down carelessly, tugging on his undershirt. "Answer the question!"

Just then, as Gaston finished dressing, the large bedroom doors banged open, and in marched-

"Bard?" Thranduil deadpanned, then snapped his gaze back to Gaston, lips parting. "But..."

"Get out," Bard growled at Gaston, and Gaston crossed his arms.

"Who do you think you are?!"

"Me?" Bard licked over his lips, nodding calmly. "Aye. I see how this is going to go." With that he swung his bow from his back before Gaston could blink, and fired one arrow right into each sleeve of Gaston's red jacket, effectively pinning him to the wall. Lefou felt the nerves in him skyrocket at this as he watched, rooted to his spot.

_Just stay still, Gaston... don't mess with this guy please, and we might get out of here alive..._

"You mean to tell me," Thranduil articulated, getting up with nothing save for translucent, champagne coloured sheets draped around him, "That the man who just made love to me... the man who I just _took into my bed_... was _not_ my lover?"

"That is exactly what I mean to tell you," Bard gritted out, and the elf turned, raising his eyebrows at the raging bowman in an uncharacteristic panic.

"Now, wait a minute, B-"

"With all of your ridiculous e _lven_ intuition, you couldn't have sensed that wasn't me??!" Bard's voice rose, "How many times have we made love?! Do I mark you like that?! Ever?!!" Thranduil winced, recoiling.

"I was momentarily blinded by your- _his_ \- debonair smile and good looks!" Gaston gave a haughty chuckle at this, and Thranduil turned around to fix him with a scathing glare that could burn worse than dragon fire. " _That was not a compliment!"_ He looked back to Bard. "We would do well to save our qualms for later... wouldn't we?"

Bard let out one last growl before clapping a strong hand on Lefou's shoulder. "This one is honourable," he told Thranduil, gesturing to him, "You were wrong to imprison him. But this one..." he went on, grabbing another arrow from his quiver and stalking over to Gaston close enough to almost choke him with the sharp point to his throat. "This one deserves no mercy."

"Um, your highnesses?" Lefou piped up, raising a finger, "Or your highni... don't know the plural, I'm illiterate... anyway, if I may..." Both turned around angrily, but Lefou tried to maintain his courage under the two glares of the feuding kings. "If I may be so bold as to request... Monsieur Gaston's... release?" Gaston visibly relaxed a little, eyeing his companion thankfully. Bard's arrow dug further into his neck painfully.

"Release?" Thranduil breathed, shocked by this proposition, "After what he did to me? A noble being like me?! I am royalty!" He got so close to Lefou it became uncomfortable- nobody here had any concept of personal space.

"I'm always one to council mercy, but what he has done deserves nothing less than death," Bard said grimly.

"By... _dismemberment_ , at the very least!" Thranduil spat, lifting his chin up.

"Uh huh, point taken," Lefou winced, "But see... where we live... I mean, in the general _country_ we live in... uh, intimate relations like this is illegal anyway, so he'd... get the same punishment! I mean, in a slightly less gruesome way than you two've got planned, but yeah."

"Truly?" Bard asked skeptically, his eyes narrowing as he looked back at Lefou, "I find that hard to believe. I mean," he scoffed, "A death sentence for sharing warmth with someone of the same ilk? How do you have children in your village?"

"No, that's..." Lefou looked perplexed, "We only have one race there. Human. But humans of the same gender- in our case, male- can't... well, it's frowned upon for them to... _share warmth_ , as you put it."

Thranduil outright laughed. "You don't expect us to believe your lies anymore, do you, dwarf?"

"My name is Lefou!" Lefou shouted as both Gaston and Bard said, "His name is Lefou."

"So... people from your land do not allow relations between two men?" Bard deduced slowly, looking genuinely baffled.

"Essentially."

"And Gaston here," Bard looked him up and down with distaste, "Disobeys this law by... fucking men."

"Well, he fucks men and women," Lefou scratched his head.

"Fucked the whole town," Gaston nodded proudly, but Lefou shot him a warning glare.

"And you?" Thranduil turned to Lefou, the air of superiority in his address still very much present.

"W-what about me?" Lefou replied weakly.

"Who do you prefer to lay with?"

"Yes, tell them of all the girls you've deflowered, Lefou!" Gaston beamed in encouragement, genuinely trying to empower him, before Bard smacked him into silence with his elbow. Lefou almost rolled his eyes. His friend was still clueless, after all these years.

"I... I don't see how this is relevant..."

"Come, tell us!"

Well, now was as fine a time as ever for a good surprise.

"I lay with men," Lefou admitted, "...Only men. Not... a lot of them, per say... I'm saving myself, uh... for... for one fellow in particular..."

"Who?" Thranduil asked, suddenly far more interested than he should be, by all accounts. Bard also inclined his head in interest, and Lefou scowled at the two. Before he could answer, though, Gaston took the opportunity to push Bard off of him, tearing his sleeves free and rubbing the irritated skin of his neck.

"Yes well, if that's all, we'll just be on our way then, lads," he bowed, and Lefou joined him by his side. Just then, Bard's mouth twitched up as he walked backward to Lefou.

"Gaston got a lovely old time with my lover, while I trekked through the swamp, and Lefou here wasted away in the dungeons," he muttered, his lips tightening. "I say we teach them a lesson, don't you Lefou?" Lefou caught on, and stifled a laugh.

"I like the way you think, Monsieur," the shorter man grinned slyly, and the two suddenly met in the middle of the room, wrapping their arms around each other, and started to make out. Thranduil clutched at his chest in horror with a scandalized gasp, and Gaston went red, ready to break something. When the two pulled away, Lefou smiled.

_Still not as good as Gaston would be, but at least Bard looked the part._

"Good day, my friends," Bard laughed jovially as Thranduil practically dragged him to the bed by the scruff of his neck, "Safe travels!" Thank god for that diversion- the King of Dale was smart.

Once they were out of the castle, Gaston gave a feral growl, ramming Lefou up against the wall and bringing their faces dangerously close.

"Why didn't you tell me you preferred the company of men?" he hissed, venom in his words.

"W-why does it matter?" Lefou stammered, distracted by their suffocating proximity and the utter ferocity in his friend's voice.

"It would have changed so much..." Gaston's hand suddenly tightened in Lefou's mussed ponytail, as the shorter man gave him a sardonic stare.

"What- would I have escaped being locked away in the dungeons today if I had told you I was gay?" he quipped, and Gaston gave another growl before locking his lips with his friend's. Lefou's eyes widened, the kiss so much sweeter and more chaste than he ever would have predicted. 

_Okay. Unexpected, but yes. Yes please._

They pulled away, Gaston's eyes as wide as Lefou's. After staring at each other in shock for a good minute, they righted themselves, standing up straight. "Let's go home," the smaller man breathed, "So you can tick the last box of your town conquests."

"Believe me, Lefou," the hunter murmured, "You're far more than a box to me." He followed with a large, oafish smile. "You're worth at least three!" Lefou blew a piece of hair out of his eye.

Well... it was progress.

"I won't have you complaining this time- I insist on carrying you, as I'm feeling ridiculously invigorated at the moment!"

"Could it be the sexual encounter you just had with a supernatural being?"

"Did you say something, Lefou?"

"Nope."

With that, Gaston picked him up, bridal style, to walk back through the forest. Once they got back to more recognizable wood, they found their obedient horses again, and rode off back to Villeneuve.

Somewhere between the trees, Agathe pushed back a branch, peering out. She smirked to herself as she waved a hand, closing up the portal to Middle Earth.

That was enough fun with these two for one day. 


End file.
